Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!