This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Meanwhile in Portland…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Cats are still liquid.