If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!