Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
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[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
house sitting!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.