Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
That’s easy for you to say
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.