Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
black phone good
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it