when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”