I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
You Might Also Like
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.