*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years