A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines