You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You Might Also Like
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”