Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
You Might Also Like
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
They got Raph!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U