Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up