BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
“No way.” -Jose
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
When you’re Kinky but poor
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.