my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
look at me when i’m typing to you
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]