Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.