Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
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[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren