What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Smells like a challenge to me
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.