I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Every time my phone rings
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.