Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.