Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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how many bears make up a bear minimum
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple