if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
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Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Would you wear it?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.