{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi