Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Jogging
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?