As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.