Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I can fix him.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.