My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.