Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.