[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Well, shit
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
this is the best day of my life
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.