I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool