The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
How high do the levels go?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic