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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
same vibe as tangled headphones
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type