My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”