Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any