I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me