Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.