[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up