“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I told my vodka about you.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Beware…..
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏