‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.