To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.