My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you