I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
So that’s what we looked like?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The funk soul brother
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.