One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
That de-escalated quickly
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.