Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
went fishing caught a bass
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Respect
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.