puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.