What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*