I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Bit chilly again tonight.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
That’s classic.