I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”