Choose your fighter
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to