When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
this is the greatest thing ever
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat